Friday, March 13, 2009

"The puck and the net" - a new euphemism for sex to replace "The birds and the bees"

Do you have a child who loves hockey, and is getting near that age where it is time to talk to them about sex, but are too uncomfortable with it to have a clear and open discussion with them? Well here’s a little metaphor you can use to make that talk a little easier, by relating sex to something they already love to do! Here’s the discussion I hope to one day have with my son when I think he’s at the right age.

Me: Hey son, how did the game go?

Little Hosh: It was great, we won!

Me: That’s good, because you know what I say about losers…

Little Hosh: Ya, losers don’t eat supper…

Me: Damn right. Now son, I think it’s time we had a little talk. You’re at that age where you’re probably becoming really curious about the girls at school…

Little Hosh: Girls? Actually dad, I think I might be a little more interested in…


Little Hosh: Ouch!

Me: Ok, let’s try this again- you’re at that age where you’re probably becoming really curious about the girls at school…

Little Hosh: Ya...

Me: And before you start investigating that curiosity, it’s important that I explain some things to you. I’m going to relate it to hockey. In this metaphor, girls are the net, and you are a player with a puck. As a player with a puck, you are naturally going to want to score. A lot. And every time you score, you’re just going to want to score again even more. Sometimes you might like it so much you’ll score on a different net every night. Maybe you’ll even want to get your buddies in on it, having several different players score on the same net in less than an hour! And that’s totally fine. I even encourage it, as long as you remember one important thing. Always wear protection. That’s right, wear a helmet and keep it on every time you score. Is this making sense?

Little Hosh: …

Me: Now, sometimes you might score so often that it could start to get repetitive. You can always spice it up by using some new moves, like a 3 on 1, a wrap around from behind, a dangle, or a shootout! Oh, and every time you score, always remember to go celebrate with your buddies immediately afterward, even if the goalie looks like they regret that they let your puck in. Ok, I think that’s all. Do you have any questions?

Little Hosh: … (lying on the floor, covered in his own vomit)

Me: OK, I’m glad we had this little talk. Now go clean up and help your mother with dinner.

So, that’s all there is to it. Hopefully that will help some of you parents out there. Good luck!



  1. awesome post! what would the goalie be in this metaphor? i think he would be the cock-block because he prevents the puck from going in the net. if there is a cock-block in the mix, one friend needs to go and remove him from the situation. this is called, 'pulling the goalie". which is different than pulling your netminder, which is obviously masturbation (because you do it and the games is usually over in 30 seconds).

  2. I like it, I like it. Except maybe "pulling the goalie" should be called "goal-tender interference" to avoid confusion with "pulling your netminder"?

  3. Great post.

    Goal-tender interference might confuse the fans since it is a bad thing in hockey, but a good thing in this metaphor because the goaltender is cockblock and interfering with the goaltender is removing the cockblock.

    I also think masturbation should be changed to "stick handling"

    Are penalties when you hire a prostitute? And is scoring on your own goalie mean insest? Such important questions.

    Great post Hosh.