Sunday, February 1, 2009

Pierre Maguire: The real monster of the year

Have you ever wondered what Pierre Maguire is really like? What kinds of things does he like to do with his time when he's not picking his monsters of the week or masterbating vigorously to video of Dion Phanuef? (Yes, I'm aware that these two activities usually overlap). Well, besides living his dream as a successful hockey analyst, he is also a family man with a wife, shown in the picture on the right, and two kids. Over his life he has played hockey, coached hockey, and analysed hockey, culminating with the brilliant reporting invention in which he analyses hockey games from between the benches at ice level, where it is easier for players to hit him in the head with their sticks. Prior to this many fans had been accidentally killed by players throwing their sticks over the glass in a desperate attempt to take him down. Pierre Maguire has also been selected by The Hockey News as one of hockey's 100 most influential people, which puts him at about 1,399,567,443 on the list of the world's most influential people. Yes, life is good for Pierre Maguire.

But it hasn't always been this good for Pierre. I am of course talking about the infamous "double dion" incident from the World Juniors in 2005. For those who aren't familiar with this, during this tournament Dion Phanuef hit two players in a single body check, forcing Pierre Maguire to cry "A DOUBLE DION!" with such excitement that he ruptured several blood vessels in his brain, triggering a severe seizure. He also completely ruined his pants, though I won't go into the details of how that happened. Following this event Pierre had to spend many months in recovery.

Now though, Pierre is back, and better than ever. Barring any more unfortunate events like the one in 2005, I am sure we will be seeing Pierre for many years to come. Otherwise, we may all have something even cooler to look forward to.

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