Sunday, July 18, 2010

Barak Obama Hates White People!

If he didn't hate white people, than why was there not a single hockey nomination in the 2010 ESPYs? Even American SOCCER won an ESPY award for BEST MOMENT. AMERICAN SOCCER.

Here are some additional awards that the NHL needs:


Nicest Player to Cabbie Award

Nominees: Joe Thornton, Chris Osgood, Jason Spezza, Jordan Staal
Winner: Joe Thornton
No-heart Joe is definitely the friendliest Cabbie interviewee in the league. Cabbie ranks Chris Osgood as his #1 best NHL player to interview, but in terms of pleasantries, it’s Joe Thornton in a landslide. Jumbo Slow Joe knew of Cabbie before their first interview and was eager to be interviewed since he was a fan of the show. As well, he got Cabbie laid during the NHL 2009 All-star game. What more can you ask? Joe seems like a really good guy to meet, but it may also be his kryptonite and is probably why he sucks so bad in the Olympics and playoffs … he is just too inherently nice.

Damn Overrated Award
Nominees: Eric Staal, Dion Phaneuf, Roberto Luongo, Jay Bouwmesster
Winner: Roberto Luongo
As much as I hate J. Blow, the CLEAR winner is Roberto Luongo. Above average in the regular season, absolutely terrible in the Olympics (but not as terrible as Broduer) and terrible in the playoffs. He almost got out battled by Jonathan Quick, who has a 0 rebound control stat in NHL 2010. Then he got lit up by Chicago. He should not be making 7 million a year and considered as one of the top goaltenders in the world. I cringe thinking about our goaltending situation in 2014. Broduer will be retired, so it the burden would most likely fall on Luongo or Fleury, both of which do not inspire much confidence. Remember in the Olympics when he let in those two softies to allow Slovakia to come within one goal? And his brutal Gold Medal game where our team pretty much dragged him through the mud to get a gold medal? Overrated big time.

Worst Contract Award
Nominees: Scott Gomez, Chris Drury, Brian Campbell, Shawn Horcoff, Wade Redden
Winner: Wade Redden – 2nd consecutive year
I’m too lazy to check, but I’m pretty sure he is making 7 million a year and had less than 5 goals last year. The Rangers GM does not realize that this is not baseball and that there is a hard cap set on teams. Honourable mentions go to Shawn Horcoff who is also making 7 million/year. Although Iginla may be getting older, just compare his salary to Horcoff’s to make you feel better. If you think about it, the Chicago GM isn’t all that great. Obviously he was amazing at the draft, but he has overspent on Campbell, Huet, and Hossa and are stuck with their mega contracts for the rest of time. They have to dump salaries and put Campbell in the minors if they want some wiggle room.


Handsomest Skater Award

Nominees: Chuck Kobasew, Mike Modano, Matthew Lombardi, Patrick Sharp
Winner: Chuck Kobasew – 6th consecutive year
Repeat winner for the 6th year running. Unanimous vote since Brad Pitt looks like him.

I’m a Big Bitch Award
Nominees: Maxime Lapierre, Sean Avery, Alex Burrows, Ryan Kesler
Winner: Alex Burrows – 2nd consecutive year
Wow, the Vancouver Canucks have two nominees! Alex Burrows is a fag that pulls hair and everyone knows that. He scored a couple goals in the playoffs and half of them were empty netters. Did I mention that he pulls hair?

Why Haven’t I Been on the Cover of EA’s NHL Game Yet Award
Nominees: Chuck Kobasew, Pavel Datsyuk, Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby
Winner: Sidney Crosby – 5th consecutive year
The face of the franchise has not been a face of NHL 20XX yet. Comon EA, get with it, how has Sidney Crosby not graced your cover yet? I agree that you may get sued for people trying to have sex with the case but it would be worth the investment. The other superstar, Alex Ovechkin, was on the cover of NHL 2K10 but nobody plays that game cause it sucks. Now they have downgraded with Ryan Kesler on the cover of NHL 2K11. Talk about a step down! He’s only on the cover because he was in that sweet commercial with the three old ladies playing the game with him. That’s the highlight of Kesler’s career.

The Dany Heatley Award
Nominees: Sheldon Souray
Winner: Sheldon Souray
I guess only one player this year has publicly requested a trade. Unfortunately for the Oilers, not even Glenn Sathers would take Souray’s untradeable contract. I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Souray, but apparently his hand is made of glass because there have been two separate occasions when he has broken his hand from fighting. Last season, he missed most of the season by getting injured from the same player both times … Jarome Iginla. He broke his hand on Iggy’s face that put him out again and then there were complications with the surgery because Iginla’s face molecules were still on Souray’s fist and made sure they didn’t heal properly.

Best Nickname Award
Nominees: Martin Bro-DERRRRRRRRR, Ales KotaREKE, Kristian HuDANGGGGGlius, Dustin BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-D, Jay Blow, Todd CUMtuzzi, Darcy WHOREdichuck, Sidney CUMsby, Dustin BiFUGLY, Patrice BergerOFF – Off the ice, Bobby Poo, Matt Cajun Rajan Stajan Arranging some goals, Nikolas FAGman, Jonathan Don’t Toews Me Bro, Peter HINDENberg, Daymond Rangkow, Olli JOKEninRyan FAGler, Marion GAYborik, Vincent LecalivGAY Corey Fairy, Scott NeidaGAYer, Marc-Andre McFleury, Alex TanGAY, Scott GAYmez, Michael CUMmalleri, Henrik GAYdin, Daniel GAYdin, Mason GAYmond, Chuck CUMbasew
Winner: Kristian HuDANGGGGGGlius – 4th consecutive year
For the first time in years, HuDANGGGGGlius had some competition for the best nickname award. Although still undefeated, Dustin BiFUGLY put up a fight. The reason for this rivalry is due to the playoffs where Dustin Biflyuin or whatever the fuck was officially renamed Bifugly. It got to be so common that I had to think of what his real last name was. Now THAT is when you know you have a sweet nickname. However, although Bifugly put up a fight, there is no nickname that could ever dethrone Hudannnnglius.

The Best Jokinen Award
Nominees: Olli Jokinen, Jussi Jokinen
Winner: Jussi Jokinen
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Previously known as a shootout specialist, Jussi Jokinen was better than Olli in every way last season, cementing himself as the “better” Jokinen. I will now cry myself to sleep.

Please Get Off My Team Award
Nominees: David Moss, Ales Kotalik, Brian McGratton, Sheldon Souray
Winner: David Moss
David Moss is terrible. He is just awful. The only ways he can score is stand in front of the net and hope to tip shots with his stick or face and get garbage goals. He succeeds that way. For some reason, he decided that he wanted to change his game and actually shoot the puck from more than 2 feet out, and try to skate it in the zone. This experiment failed and he should fuck off for life for not going back to the basics for the whole season. I hate the fact that people thought he was good. He was never good and never will be good. He can be acceptable if he stays in front of the net and that’s it. He is a rich man’s Shaun Donovan, who was previously the two time winner of the “Please Get Off My Team Award” before Marcus Nilson dethroned him.

Hook me to the Rejuvenation Machine Award
Nominees: Olli Jokinen, Alex Tanguay, Jarome Iginla, Daymond Langkow
Winner: Olli Jokinen
To be an applicant for the Rejuvenation Machine, one must not be over-the-hill age wise, but old enough that they have previously been successful and have been in decline/and or completely shitty for a few years. Is it troubling that all four nominees are from the Calgary Flames?

Flash in the Pan Award

Nominees: David Moss, Jonathan Cheechoo, Tim Thomas, Brian Campbell
Winner: Jonathan Cheechoo
This guy won the Rocket Richard five years ago and now has been placed on waivers … ouch.

Best Season Award
Nominees: Jonathan Toews, Sidney Crosby, Henrik Sedin, Alex Ovechkin
Winner: Jonathan Toews
The Toews show won an Olympic gold medal and Stanley Cup and was named MVP in both! At the highest level of competition, he was given the credit of best player. That’s pretty impressive. Honourable mentions goes to Sidney Crosby who scored the Golden Goal and cemented the Vancouver 2010 games as one of Canada’s best sporting moments in history. Cumsby also upped his goal tally to 50 when he realized that all his wingers suck and he has to literally carry his entire team.

GM’s Nightmare Award
Nominees: Calgary Flames, Nashville Predators, Columbus Blue Jackets, Atlanta Thrashers
Winner: Calgary Flames
Why do you think Steve Yzerman chose to wet his GM cack in Tampa Bay than in Calgary? Because they have a pretty bright future and could be a decent team with the right pieces. Calgary on the other hand is old, up to the league cap max, no future draft pick, no stud draft picks, nobody to look forward too, and once the Iginla Era is over, we’ll be fucked for five years (but that will allow us to get some #1 - #5 overalls and we can rebuild) Until then, the situation is kind of a mess and hopefully Olli and Tanguay jump in the Hot Tub Time Machine with Sutter and rejuvenate themselves or it will be another first round exit. Actually, are we still allowed to stay “another first round exit” since the Flames missed the playoffs last year? I think so.

Ekles Award
Nominees: Mike Green, Duncan Keith, Drew Doughty, Zdeno Chara
Winner: Mike Green
The Ekles Award is the opposite of the Selke award (aren’t I clever?) and goes to the most offensive defensemen. That is clearly Mike Green. No questions asked. Maybe in three years Doughty can challenge the spot but Green is indisputable at this time.

Chronic Dangle-itis Award
Nominees: Kristian Huselius, Pavel Datsyuk, Mike Riberio, Every other Russian born player
Winner: Pavel Datsyuk
There is never too much dangle when it involves Datsyuk.

Sticks and Stones Will Break My Bones and so Will Words Award
Nominees: Sheldon Souray, Peter Forsberg, Paul Kariya, Marion Gaborik
Winner: Peter Forsberg
Although Forsberg didn’t even play in the league this year, he will go down in history as the most brittle player ever. His chronic foot problems and repeated attempts to come back in the NHL have cut his career short but at least he will take home this award

5 comments:

  1. luongo is not overated. he took a paycut to play in vancouver and makes 5 mil a season. other goalies that make that much money are thomas and huet. those guys are much more overated.

    yah luongo let in two softies against slovakia, but he also saved their asses when with 5 seconds left demitra had a chance to tie it up and lou made the glove save of the tournament.

    one day very soon lou will win conn smythe and you will regret this post.

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  2. good on the worst contract award. redden is definitely useless, relegating himself to a second d pairing behind players in the rangers depth chart such as del zotto and marc staal.

    i still say brian campbells is dumber because it goes to 2016/17 and is the most unmovable contract around. plus huet is unmovable as well. so thats 12 mil tied between two players that suck. imagine if those signings hadnt taken place and then the blackwhores could still afford versteeg, bifugly, ladd, eager and another player. i think the blackwhores might be like the hurricanes, or the oilers where after making it to the finals one year they dont make the playoffs the next, thanks to stupid signings like these.

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  3. best one: ekles award. the jail warden from tpb movie 1 would be proud.

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  4. I will not regret this post because you made a comment on it! :)

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  5. wow! since this post the canucks have now picked up another player in the biggest bitch award, giving them 3/4 players in this award category. if the canucks can land sean avery they can be full on bitch.

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